Being 36 years old, I have spent a lot of my life alone and a lot of my life with somebody. In one instance I was with someone for seven years. When I was alone before it never really bothered me, but It was a lot different then too. I was a lot younger in my twenties and seemingly had my whole life ahead of me. Now, it feels like everyone has zoomed past me in starting a family or finding happiness. I may make it sound like I have nothing which is far from the truth. I am blessed with some amazing friends and a good family but I feel like there is something missing. Among the people I know, I am the only one that struggles with being single.
It’s hard for me to talk to women and when I do I seem to do nothing but mess up the opportunity. Also at this age it gets to a point where I don’t even know how to meet people. I’m not going to a bar because I’m not gonna find what I am looking for there. In fact, that’s the problem. I don’t know where to even look for what I am looking for. In fact at this point I don’t even know it exists. The other situation that comes up is I am looking for someone to start a life that hasn’t previously had children which is apparently like looking for a needle in a haystack.
I constantly hear, well it will happen eventually. Or you will find someone when you’re not looking or any other thing people say to make me feel better. I guess, just like people don’t want me to tell them how to raise their kids, I don’t want to hear how my love life will eventually not suck.
When I was in my early twenties I couldn’t wait to start a family and become a father. Now, almost 15 years later, neither one has happened. I feel like I’ve made a hundred mistakes that could have changed the course of my life. Remember that seven year relationship I had. Well, you might be asking yourself why I didn’t do all those things then. The answer is sadly that she didn’t love me. Unfortunately, she didn’t tell me this until the day she left me. Behind closed doors she promised me the world in the beginning but as time went on she did everything she could to avoid marrying me or start a family. Most people thought this is how she always felt and that’s why I should get over it but it wasn’t.
I feel like those seven years robbed me of important years that I could have used in finding what I am looking for now. Oh, and the best part of that break up was the fact that she left me so she could find herself and she had to do that alone, her words. Only she immediately started “dating” and then found a relationship that over a year later she is still in. Apparently, she doesn’t know what the word alone really means.
This is the moment that I felt completely baffled at how the world works. It doesn’t feel fair that I was left high and dry while she goes on with her life as if nothing happened. She’s even four years younger than me so its as if she is better off in many more ways than people think.
Now, I know this is not the end of the world and things could be a lot worse but these are the emotions I have two days before Christmas. I am very grateful for things I have including family, friends, a job, health, and shelter but I can’t help but feel sad to not have someone to share all those things with.
The scary part is I always said I wouldn’t have children after I turned 35 because thats how old my parents were when I was born and I know how that went. Being 36 I am past the point that I have always had in my head and its just a bit eye opening to what I have been doing with my life.
This was really more of a venting session for me because I love to write so much and feel better putting the words on the screen. You can look at it as me complaining or you can look at it as me stating my feelings of whats going on in my messed up head. Either way you see it, thanks for reading & have a Merry Christmas.